How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
