i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
