I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
