I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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