You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
