I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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