who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
