Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
