We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
