I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
