i jhust puked up my retainher.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
