Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
