My friends, they love my intelligence
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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