1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
