I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
