I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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