Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
