So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
