My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
