Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
