Taylor Swift is so right about you.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
