My pussy is not your playground.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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