Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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