just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
