I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
