I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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