Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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