Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
