I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
