I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
