there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
