can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
