Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
