We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
