My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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