is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
