People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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