Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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