I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
