Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
