I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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