Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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