DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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