I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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