Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
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