I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Bring me that man meat
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
