Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
