Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
