Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
