I can text with my tongue
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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