you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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