Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
