And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
