Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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