Where did you get a picture of my penis
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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