we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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