You work out of a Hotel?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize