The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Idk if I want to put a bra on
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
