got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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