I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
