Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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